Doctor SpinCreativityLife DesignMy Fucket List — My Bucket List of 23 Things to Never...

My Fucket List — My Bucket List of 23 Things to Never Do

My list of things that I will never ever try.

A fucket list is the opposite of a bucket list.

According to Urban Dictionary, it could also be a spelt fuckit list and refer to a list of people to have sexual intercourse with before you die. This fucket list is not that type of fucket list.

A fucket list, in the most common interpretation, is a list of all the things you don’t want to do before you die.

The rules of a fucket list are simple:

  • It must be something you won’t do.
  • It must be something that seems fun, enjoyable, or rewarding to other people.

Also, it’s okay if you express your fucket list in a passive-aggressive manner (that’s my add-on rule).

Here goes:

My fucket list of things to never do — ever

1. Jump out of a functional airplane

As fate would have it, I don’t suffer from any form of dopamine deficiency. As an introvert, I prefer to throw myself into the abyss of literature — or something pretentious like that.

2. Buy stuff just to show off

Stuff tends to wear you down, and then they could end up owning you instead. I think that we all should improve our skills and increase our knowledge instead of “chasing cars and clothes and buying shit we don’t need.”

3. Run a marathon

There must be healthier ways to get likes on Facebook. Plus, I hear that it’s not super-healthy to run marathons. It just can’t be good to put your body under that type of stress.

4. Climb a mountain

I can’t imagine what type of business I would have upon the top of a mountain. I love nature photography, sure, but if it requires climbing gear and you can’t get the shot with a drone, I’m out.

5. ”Fit in”

People who work hard to fit in rub me the wrong way. I prefer to walk the road less travelled and not care what anyone thinks about it. Plus, odd people are more interesting.

6. Try auto-erotic asphyxiation

Vanilla sex is excellent, but a few experiments here and there is fine. But brains need oxygen. Please tell me if I’m missing something here.

7. Geocaching

I’m geeky, but not that geeky. I played Pokemon for a short while; that should be enough to run around for no sensible reason whatsoever.

8. Join the Mile High Club

It’s not sexy to have intercourse where strangers defecate.

2020 update: If possible, Covid-19 just made public bathrooms even less sexy.

9. Go backpacking across Europe

I like fancy hotels. I mean: What’s not to like? I never saw the romantic appeal of traversing across countries like a homeless person. Or worse — like a woke millennial looking to establish some social media “travel influencer” persona.

10. Bungee jumping

Now, I’m sure bungee jumping is thrilling and comes with some sense of accomplishment, but there are other, more productive ways to get out of your comfort zone. “I get my kicks from reading books,” said the introvert.

11. Ask for a celebrity autograph

I honestly wouldn’t know what to do with a celebrity autograph. I can appreciate another person’s work without having “a lock of their hair” or something like that. It’s creepy, I think.

12. Respect religious authority

I’m an atheist in a world full of superstitious beliefs. But I do think that I have the right to question nonsense. Because, you know, science. People can believe whatever they want, but we shouldn’t let them alone preach it without being challenged.

13. Swim with sharks

I feel no desire to swim with sharks. I know they’re peaceful animals and that you can swim with them safely in the right conditions. It’s just this: They keep out of my living room, so it makes sense for me to stay out of theirs.

14. See a psychic for answers

Some see psychics for answers, some for excitement, some out of curiosity, others for a laugh with friends. I just see myself supporting such nonsense.

15. Be a toastmaster

I’m an okay public speaker, and I have no problem with getting up in front of an audience. Still, there’s something about ceremonial duties that rubs me the wrong way. I can’t even propose a formal toast without feeling overwhelmingly cringy.

16. Play golf

My temper could never handle golf. I’m not proud of it, but I would wreak havoc on expensive equipment all the time. I’m calm as a cucumber in life, but I’m a hothead when it comes to sports. I would have to replace destroyed clubs all the time.

17. Run for a political office

Something about the political discourse would be difficult for me to handle. I’m an introvert provocateur with a slight elitist streak — granted, not the most incredible combination for public office. I’d love to run someone’s campaign, though.

18. Get easily offended

I’m not easily offended. I prefer a society without political correctness and identity politics. I prefer a society where grownups can talk about things that are comfortable.

19. Learn about wine

I don’t drink alcohol these days, but wine is okay, I guess. I don’t want to belong to a group of people who “know about wine”. I admit that I find most wine aficionados a bit pretentious, even though I know that to be a generalisation.

20. Join a cult

The only organisation where it makes sense to follow orders without questioning them is the military, so any cult is out of the question for me. Also — I’m just not a very good follower.

21. Visit a circus

Running a circus is just such a passé idea. And animals just shouldn’t be living like that — and be made to perform like, well … circus monkeys. They’ll get no money from me, ever.

22. Aspire to be TikTok famous

First of all, if I must be famous for anything, I want it to be something extraordinary. And second, being famous on TikTok isn’t being famous at all.

23. Keep up with the Kardashians

The Kardashian family is a media phenomenon. And as a PR professional, I should be interested in media phenomenons, nut … I can’t bring myself to manifest such an interest.

Cover photo by Jerry Silfwer (Prints/Instagram)


Jerry Silfwer
Jerry Silfwer
Jerry Silfwer, aka Doctor Spin, is an awarded senior adviser specialising in public relations and digital strategy. Currently CEO at KIX Index and Spin Factory. Before that, he worked at Kaufmann, Whispr Group, Springtime PR, and Spotlight PR. Based in Stockholm, Sweden.
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In 1996, Nick Cave submitted a petition to the MTV Video Music Awards demanding the video for his duet with Kylie Minogue be removed.
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