What’s a fucket list?
A fucket list is the opposite of a bucket list. And this is my list.
Now, according to Urban Dictionary, it could also be a spelt fuckit list and refer to a list of people to have sexual intercourse with before you die. This list is not that type of list.
A fucket list, in the most common interpretation, is a list of all the things you don’t want to do before you die.
The rules of a fucket list are simple:
My Fucket List
1. Jump Out of a Functional Aeroplane
As an introvert, rather than parachuting, I prefer to throw myself into the abyss of literature — or something equally pretentious. Why? I don’t suffer from dopamine deficiency, I guess. I get my kicks from internal stimuli.
2. Buy Stuff To Show Off
Possessions tend to wear you down, and they could end up owning you instead. We should all work on ourselves instead of “chasing cars and clothes and buying shit we don’t need.” 1Like many men of the Xennial generation (I was born in 1979), my spirit animal is Tyler Durden, the everyman character from Chuck Palachniuk’s novel “Fight Club” which was made into a … Continue reading
3. Run a Marathon
There must be healthier ways to get likes on Facebook than running a marathon. It’s a hard pass from me.
4. Climb a Mountain
I can’t imagine what type of business I would have on the top of a mountain. I’m passionate about nature photography, but I get vertigo. So, I’m out if it requires climbing gear and you can’t get the shot with a drone.
5. “Fit In”
I love hard-working people. But people working hard to “fit in” rub me the wrong way. I get anxious around them; what on Earth are they compensating for? I prefer to walk roads less travelled anyway.
6. Give Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation a Go
Vanilla sex is under-appreciated, I think, but a few experiments here and there are fine and dandy. Nothing wrong with some naughty explorations. But brains need oxygen, right? Please tell me if I’m missing something here.
I’m geeky, sure. But not that geeky. I did play Pokemon Go for a stint; that should be enough running around for no sensible reason whatsoever.
8. Join the “Mile High Club”
This just in: It’s not sexy to have intercourse where strangers defecate. Unless you’re into faeces and stuff, I guess. But even if you could manage to have a good time anyway, I see no accomplishment in bragging about the whole ordeal.
9. Sleep at a Cheap Hostel
I’m the type of person who would spend his last penny on an expensive hotel. I never saw the romantic appeal of traversing countries while living like a hobo. Or (much) worse — like a woke millennial chasing some cheeky “travel influencer” dream. Also, I’ve seen all the horror movies; I know what happens.
10. Go Bungee Jumping
Bungee jumping is perhaps thrilling and might come with some sense of accomplishment, but I’ll never accept that it’s “cool.” I’m also wary about those “expert bungee jumpers” hooking you up to the rope — aren’t security protocols out of their wheelhouse, as they’re lacking some highly useful percentages on the conscientious personality trait axis?
11. Ask For a Celebrity Autograph
I honestly wouldn’t know what to do with a celebrity autograph. Take it out and look at it from time to time, perhaps. Sell it on eBay? Nah, none of that’s for me. I can fully appreciate another person’s work without having “a lock of their hair” or something to that effect. I find asking for an autograph borderline creepy, honestly. 2This is also the reason why I never buy souvenirs. Souvenirs are for serial killers and hoarders.
12. Respect Religious “Authority”
I accept being an atheist in a world dominated by superstitious beliefs. But I think we, as a rational cohort absent of religiosity, are morally obliged to challenge unsubstantiated claims — even if it’s mostly a waste of time.
13. Swim with Sharks
I feel no desire to swim with sharks. I know they’re peaceful, and you can swim with them safely — if the conditions are right. They keep out of my living room, so it makes sense for me to stay out of theirs.
14. See a Psychic for Answers
Some see psychics for answers, some for excitement, some for curiosity, and others for a laugh with friends. I get all of that. But I can’t bring myself to incentivise such shenanigans. Or put it like this: I’m open-minded enough to believe that our natural world is unfathomably complex and extraordinarily beautiful — without resorting to seeking another person’s future in tea leaves.
15. Be a Toastmaster
I’m a decent public speaker and have no problem getting up in front of an audience. Still, there’s something about ceremonial duties that makes my skin crawl. I can’t even propose a formal toast without feeling overwhelmingly cringy.
16. Play Golf
My temper could never handle golf. I’m calm as a cucumber in life (a DNA mix from the North of Sweden will have that effect) but a hothead in sports (think of John McEnroe, and you’ll get an idea). I do have a history of wreaking havoc on expensive sports equipment, I’m ashamed to admit. I’m convinced that golf would “drive” me insane.
17. Run for a Political Office
I’m an introverted provocateur and ironic contrarian with a pronounced elitist streak. If everyone gets along, I’m compelled to stir something up, or I’ll get bored out of my senses. Alas, I’m not harbouring a mix of the most suitable personality traits for public office. Sure, we’ve all seen worse, but still.
19. Hang Out with Wine Snobs
I don’t want to consort with individuals who “know about wine.” They’re not my kind of people with their gurgling, burbling, and spitting. “Notes of cilantro and burnt rubber”? Fuck you. Also, I don’t drink alcohol.
20. Join a Cult
Cults are out of the question for me — I’m just not a very good follower. Whenever more than five people seem eager to agree with each other, the hairs on my arms stand up.
22. Be Part of a Studio Crowd
Who are these people? They scare me. It’s something about their smiles and their dead eyes, I think. My worst nightmare is finding myself in a liminal space, a maze of cubicles and chirping dial-up modems interconnected by yellow-carpeted corridors and flickering fluorescent lights, as a cheerful studio audience is chasing me around. Don’t. Let. Them. Catch. Me.
23. Keep Up with the Kardashians
The Kardashian family is a media phenomenon. As a PR professional, I should be interested in all media phenomena, but I can’t muster up the willpower to sit through one of their episodes.
|Like many men of the Xennial generation (I was born in 1979), my spirit animal is Tyler Durden, the everyman character from Chuck Palachniuk’s novel “Fight Club” which was made into a successful movie directed by David Fincher in 1999.|
|This is also the reason why I never buy souvenirs. Souvenirs are for serial killers and hoarders.|