My Fucket List: 23 Things To Never Try (The Reverse Bucket List)

A fucket list is the opposite of a bucket list.

According to Urban Dictionary, it could also be a spelt fuckit list and refer to a list of people to have sexual intercourse with before you die. This list is not that type of list.

A fucket list, in the most common interpretation, is a list of all the things you don’t want to do before you die.

The rules of a fucket list are simple:

Also, it’s okay to express your fucket list in a passive-aggressive manner (yep, that’s my rule).

Here goes:

My Fucket List of Things To Never Do

1. Jump out of a functional aeroplane

As fate would have it, I don’t suffer from any form of dopamine deficiency. As an introvert, I prefer to throw myself into the abyss of literature—or something similarly pretentious.

2. Buy stuff just to show off

Stuff tends to wear you down, and they could end up owning you instead. We should all improve our skills and increase our knowledge instead of “chasing cars and clothes and buying shit we don’t need.”

3. Run a marathon

There must be healthier ways to get likes on Facebook than running a marathon. Plus, I hear that it’s not super-healthy for your heart. I’ll pass.

4. Climb a mountain

I can’t imagine what type of business I would have on the top of a mountain. I love nature photography, but if it requires climbing gear and you can’t get the shot with a drone, I’m out.

5. “Fit in”

People who work hard to fit in rub me the wrong way. I prefer to walk the road less travelled and not care what anyone thinks about it. Plus, odd people are more attractive.

6. Give auto-erotic asphyxiation a go

Vanilla sex is excellent, but a few experiments here and there is fine. But brains need oxygen. Please tell me if I’m missing something here.

7. Explore geocaching

I’m geeky, but not that geeky. I played Pokemon for a short while; that should be enough to run around for no sensible reason whatsoever.

8. Join the Mile High Club

This just in: It’s not sexy to have intercourse where strangers defecate.

9. Go backpacking across Europe

I like fancy hotels. I never saw the romantic appeal of traversing countries like a homeless person. Or worse—like a woke millennial chasing some social media “travel influencer” dream.

10. Go bungee jumping

I’m sure bungee jumping is thrilling and comes with some sense of accomplishment, but there are other, more productive ways to get out of your comfort zone. “I get my kicks from reading books,” said the introvert.

11. Ask for a celebrity autograph

I honestly wouldn’t know what to do with a celebrity autograph. I can appreciate another person’s work without having “a lock of their hair” or something like that. It’s creepy, I think.

12. Respect religious authority

I’m an atheist in a world full of superstitious beliefs. But I do think that we must challenge any unsubstantiated claims.

13. Swim with sharks

I feel no desire to swim with sharks. I know they’re peaceful and that you can swim with them safely in the right conditions. It’s just this: They keep out of my living room, so it makes sense for me to stay out of theirs.

14. See a psychic for answers

Some see psychics for answers, some for excitement, some out of curiosity, and others for a laugh with friends. Personally, I just don’t see myself supporting such nonsense.

15. Be a toastmaster

I’m an okay public speaker, and I have no problem getting up in front of an audience. Still, there’s something about ceremonial duties that rubs me the wrong way. I can’t even propose a formal toast without feeling overwhelmingly cringy.

16. Play golf

My temper could never handle golf. I’m calm as a cucumber in life, but I’m a hothead when it comes to sports. I’m not proud of it, but I tend to wreak havoc on expensive sports equipment. I’m sure that golf would drive me insane.

17. Run for a political office

I’m an introverted provocateur with a slight elitist streak—granted, not the most incredible combination for public office. We’ve seen worse, of course.

19. Become a wine snob

I don’t want to belong to a group of people who “know about wine.” It’s just not my kind of people. Also, I don’t drink alcohol. I’ve tried, but I prefer healthier alternatives.

20. Join a cult

The military is the only organisation where it makes sense to follow orders without questioning them, so any cult is out of the question for me. Also—I’m just not a very good follower.

22. Sit in a studio crowd and clap on cue

Who are these people? They scare me.

23. Keep up with the Kardashians

The Kardashian family is a media phenomenon. As a PR professional, I should be interested in media phenomena, but I can’t even.